In the spirit of public service, I thought that I would provide you all with a letter that may prove handy in case you wanted to get in touch with your ex-partner. There are lots of blanks, but I have offered what I consider to be the most likely options:
Dear <insert name of boyfriend/girlfriend/mistress/gimp>
It's been almost a(n) <decade/year/month/day/hour> since we broke up. And although I am <sorry/happy/annoyed/perplexed> at things ending the way that they did, I thought it was time that I should get in contact with you.
The last time I saw you was <at a mutual friend's party/across the street and I pretended not to see you/looking through your bathroom window/you looking through MY bathroom window>, and I regret not being able to really <talk to/confront/throw pot plants at) you then.
So what are you up to? I'm not doing too badly, I'm <working in a comfortable job, but not really pursuing my actual ambitions/a billionaire space sex cowboy/drunk>. I saw your post on Facebook with your latest <drawing/short film/fetish shoot> and think it's <great/inspiring/confusing/drink enducing> what you're doing.
To be honest, since we broke up I have <n't had much luck in finding anyone/had sex with every good looking person I know/gotten romantically involved with a lorry driver named Trevor>. So I guess that right now I < am dying from sexual frustration/probably have an STD/am now called Cynthia and take a lot of amphetamines>. The other day I found out from <your Facebook status, pictures and posts/our mutual friend/hacking your email account/speaking with the spirits of the netherworld> that you <are still single/in a relationship/in several relationships/are a lorry driver called Trevor>. I just wanted to say that I am <happy for you no matter what/very depressed/very drunk, so really it doesn't matter>.
If you are free in the next <month/week/year> then it would be great to meet up and <talk and stuff/have sex/listen to you talk about your life so I don't feel too bad about whining about how shit mine is in comparison/throw aloe vera at each other>. I am <generally/always> <free/drunk and horny/at the garden centre>, so let me know what's good for you.
Really, all I wanted to do was let you know that I <don't even think of you that often, I just feel kind of both happy and sad whenever you come to mind/fucked your brother>.
Best wishes,
<name>
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